Sorry, I’m afraid this is still not going to be the most positive and cheerful of blog posts. I prefer them that way, really. It’s just that I really haven’t been at my best in recent weeks. In part, it’s a continuation of what I talked about in my previous blog post – tl;dr: I was stressed out about school and other academic pursuits I felt I was failing at, or not succeeding at as much as I would have liked. The other main part of it, I think, is a sense of loneliness. In the romantic sense, I mean. It’s true I’m not hanging out with friends a lot either, but that I don’t miss so much. However, I have been single for about five years now, and I’m not the type of person who enjoys being on his own anyway. So I’ve had enough of that, too.
So let me get into each of these issues a bit more, beginning with the former. Those of you who have read my previous post in this blog know that I decided to try and address my stress both directly and indirectly. Directly, through giving up on a particular course that I was taking at university and that was not going well. Indirectly, through attempting to take away my sense of failure in other areas (obviously, given my direct ‘solution’, that was not going to happen with that university course), by stimulating myself with an “activity selector” program I wrote. That’s still going on, but I made some changes to it where I got rid of most of the activities it could select for me. With fewer activities, each of which will then be selected more frequently, hopefully I’ll have more of a sense of progress with each of them. I also added both of my current university courses in twice, so I spend a sufficient amount of time on those, and don’t fail at my studies again.
Expecting (too) much from myself seems to be pretty deeply set into my personality, so it’s likely I’ll continue being frustrated and discontent from time to time. Of course, I also won’t be able to get rid of my history of unsuccess (with my previous majors, for example). Hopefully, though, I’ll start accruing enough successes beside my failures, where it’s not usually as much of a problem anymore. It’s rather sucky to be at that place of freaking out and just not being happy with yourself and your accomplishments.
So then, as for the loneliness. I don’t know what to say about this, that’s the thing. It’s just there, and I wish it wasn’t, and basically that’s the long and the short of it. I suppose I could say that it’s understandable that I have been alone so long, since I’m very passive in this kind of thing. I don’t like to go out to clubs and parties, and I’m not extraverted at all. I’ve liked some people a bit in the past year or so, but the feelings were never very strong. Also, they all tended to have girlfriends already.
What I should do, I think, is go out and try to meet new people in settings where I am actually comfortable, unlike at those clubs and parties I mentioned. I’ve been considering this. For example, I could combine it with my want to go out into nature more often, and go on some excursions and camps with the NJN (Dutch website). They are an organization that organizes such trips with young people ages 12 through 25, so I should be able to attend for almost two years still. Who knows, I might even find a nice person there to fall in love with properly. It’s bound to happen at some point, right? And if not, I’ll still be in nature. The most immediate problem with this is my bike, which has been non-functioning for about a week, and I have not been able to fix it yet. Meh. It’s probably for the best, since it will likely be nicer when the weather is better, anyway. I do think I’ll get to it soon, however.
That’s it, really. At least I feel a bit better having written about it. Wish me luck with the rest of it! And as always, thanks for reading. Hopefully I’ll have something more upbeat next time.