Unlike some others, I don’t actually dislike labels to describe people, because I think they’re a nice starting point that can then be expanded upon to zoom in on an individual. I thought I had mentioned this once in a previous blog, but could not find it, so maybe I never did. At any rate, with this in mind, I once described myself as a “bisexual-ish homoromantic-ish androgynophile genderqueer-wannabe feminist aspiritual japanophile”. I think that’s a reasonable approximation, although of course it still leaves a lot out. Any description with fewer than 10 words would, for any person.
So yes, I am bisexual-ish, and I usually like guys more than I like girls. For simplicity, I just call myself “gay” sometimes. Let’s stick to that for the purpose of this blog.
My sexuality never really mattered much to me. It just didn’t seem to factor into my sense of identity or even my life story as much as it seems to do for other people. When I first fell in love and it was with a boy, I went, “Well, what do you know, I must be gay, then.” And that was that. It really didn’t make me feel much of anything, positive or negative. I’ll admit, it wasn’t the easiest thing to tell people at first, and I did have a kind of explicit ‘coming out’ early on. But even that passed by relatively uneventfully. I got called names once or twice (it was high school, after all), but only by strangers, and never any more than that. That too I just shrugged off, knowing how silly it was.
When I think of myself as a person, I’m much more likely to think about being a geek, or being socially awkward, or being optimistic, or being way too interested in learning and academic stuff, or being way too bad at actually putting enough time into all that. I know I blogged a little bit about feeling lonely some time ago (yeah… that’s still going on), and that had a lot to do with love. However, most of the time when I’m feeling down these days, it’s because I’m doing poorly in school and I’m stressed about that.
In fact, I tend not to think about myself in terms of social relationships I have with people, period. That sort of thing kind of doesn’t come so easy to me, anyhow.
But sometimes, I realize that the issue of sexuality is not entirely irrelevant to me. And I find myself watching gay interest movies a lot, or reading gay stories, or watching coming-out videos on YouTube and empathizing with the speakers somehow even though I never went through most of the complications or emotions they bring up in that regard.
I think it may be kind of similar to my mother being a feminist. It seems like, she’s a part of the group in question, so she naturally feels involved, and wants to defend their interests. Now, I know it doesn’t work that way for everybody. Some people just have other things to keep their minds busy, and that’s fine. Still, this may be an aspect of it, for me.
Another thing is the fact that homosexuals obviously are a minority. Perhaps being a minority in an indivualist culture just gives you the propensity to present an image of yourself, and a sense of pride in being different, even if it’s only a little. I know homosexuality is mostly accepted nowadays where I live, or at least among the people I am likely to come into contact with, but it’s still a way that you’re different from most people. And that just kind of means something, silly as it may seem even to me. To the point that it’s sometimes a relief to be somewhere where it’s the other way around for a change, and you’re part of the majority. I guess now I understand the appeal of something like a gay bar, although I’m still not likely to actually go to such a place (that’s still a bar, after all).
Anyway, now for the really weird part of this blog. I was watching a particular coming-out video on YouTube, and I was just listening to this guy talking about his story. And suddenly, it just made him seem so weirdly… human, to me. Just how he was describing these events that really happened in his life, and these thoughts that he really had at the time. It kind of reminded me of my original fascination with psychology, when I first decided to get to studying that topic.
I could try to describe more precisely what it was like, but I really don’t have to. As usual, someone else got there before me. It’s this thing people call “sonder”.
Of course, you always kind of know about this thing, and I actually already find myself having this conscious realization from time to time. I actively remind myself a lot, just like I remind myself to look around when I move through the world and try to appreciate all that beauty everywhere. But, there’s levels to it, you know? And this just made me realize a bit more deeply, profoundly, and genuinely. Which in turn made me realize that I apparently had forgotten, a bit, in the very process of reminding myself to notice it now and again.
It’s rather nice and intimidating at the same time. I mean, look. I mentioned I have my problems with being social and outgoing and spontaneous and all that. I almost consider “spontaneous” a dirty word, in all honesty! But at the same time, a part of me is always aware that there’s no need for these issues. As Regina Spektor sings about this, “People are just people like you” and “They shouldn’t make you nervous”. And this makes sense to me. It turns out that most of the time people really aren’t all that scary.
But at the same time, “just people” actually still leaves you with a whole lot! They’re complicated, and they’re intricate, and they’re mysterious. And they’re never quite like you. I can imagine how “just people” could still make someone quite nervous, sometimes, going by the realization I got from that video I was watching.
So that’s the intimidating part of it. But the nice part of it, is that they’re actually really valuable for being this way. I mean, their uniqueness and their agency and their (for lack of a better word) consecrated consciousness are what makes them worthwhile. Why else would you want to go through the whole process of socializing with them? It kind of makes me appreciate the relationships I have a little more.
It’s like, where Regina Spektor was saying, people are no more than people, I’m saying, people are no less than people either. And both of these are a good thing.
That’s more or less what I wanted to say. Bit about sexuality. Bit about people as agents. That’s it.